What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:02
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
I don,t even have a pension.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
How did you get to be a leftist?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I couldn’t, believe it.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What is the most gay experience with your dad?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all therapists specialize in one specific type of therapy, or are they trained in multiple types?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What are the main issues that have historically and currently divided Republicans and Democrats?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
How do you identify a woman player?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He knew the spot.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My life is so biszare .
My family never makes their pension either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was very sick at this time too.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
But, we were locked up after school.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When she asked me how she looked .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So, i spoilt her more .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Would this be the day?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were not on the streets..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
What did i know ?
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.